Keeping Me on My Toes

I think adults look at teenagers as if they are people who don't listen, people in their own little worlds, people who don't care what adults have to say. I agree that it appears this way, but I don't think that this is really the case. Sure, they often don't seem to listen, but I think it's more because they don't fully understand what we're talking about. When we tell them that their action A will cause a reaction B they don't really get that. Research shows that teens' frontal lobe development is incomplete and that means they have problems in executive functions. Executive functions mean they don't always get that A+B=C. They get that A+B, they just don't get that it =C. And yeah, they float around in their own little worlds but that's because they lack experience to know how many other worlds exist (i.e. one for every person they meet).

So when we as the parents of said teens repeat ourselves endlessly to seemingly stubborn and defiant offspring and when we get annoyed with them that they're once again floating around our house, eating our food, but staying in their own little worlds, our discussions may trigger more thinking in those teen brains than we realize.

Case and point: Early this week, Manboy was once again having difficulty balancing his desire to spend time with Sweetiepie with his need to study and keep up on his homework. He was resisting the routine tasks of reading texts and taking notes on chapters and was behind several chapters. Resisting routine is not a surprise. This is an inborn trait with this young man - he hated routine tasks when he was three and nothing has changed in that department.

Although not surprising, it isn't acceptable because he needs that study time to do well in his courses. So, enter Mom and Dad, speaking with Manboy about time management and applying himself to his studies daily. We discussed once again the value of these virtues in hopes that we could help him get back on track. He listened and agreed, but something his dad said apparently stayed with him. Steve repeated that Lliam couldn't expect to see Katey every day. He stated that that was not a reasonable expectation.

Lliam agreed to apply himself to the routine but necessary tasks, but he evidently went away really thinking about what we had said. The next morning, Lliam was about ready to head out the door when he asked me, "Mom, how much time is reasonable to spend with Katey?" His question came out of the blue at the early hour of 6:30 AM. Oh my, I wasn't expecting such a loaded question that early in the morning. But that's the beauty of teens. Their questions come up when they come up, and their questions don't always have easy answers.

I took a moment to respond. I told him that that was actually the wrong question. The real question was, 'how much time is reasonably needed to study?' I explained that the issue was not spending time with Sweetiepie. The issue was taking time to study. I reminded him that he doesn't really study when he's with her because they mostly play games on the computer and talk. He agreed. I said, "You need to put your studies first. Figure out what needs to be done, how much time it's likely to take, do it, and then whatever time is left it's fine to spend with Katey."

He said that he was worried that he was spending too much time with her. I told him that he really doesn't spend too much time with her. It's natural to want to spend time with the people you're closest to. I told him his dad and I like to spend a lot of time together, too, especially back when we were dating. I reiterated that that was not the issue. The issue was he needed to spend more time studying, and that meant less time with Katey because he didn't study when he was with her.

He was satisfied with that and seemed more at peace. He now seemed to understand the A+B=C we were trying to teach him. He bounded out the door like a semi-coordinated and very large gazelle, and I was left with my thoughts on the matter. His question reminded me that his teen brain doesn't always make connections between information in the right way. He saw our discussion as criticism of his time with Katey rather than as criticism of his lack of time studying. We thought we emphasized studying, but somehow his mind reinterpreted that to mean we didn't want him to spend as much time with Katey.

The power of parenting also loomed over me as a solid weight of responsibility. This relationship with Katey is really important to him. It's important to her, too. What if I had answered flippantly? What if I had discouraged him from seeing her rather than refocusing his attention on the issue of studying? It's a sobering thought, to think that we have so much power to influence these young lives. As for Steve and I, God willing we will always influence him rightly.